I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
