At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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