I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
