just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize