life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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