I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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