Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
