Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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