I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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