someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
