Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
