Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
