Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
