I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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