the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
