i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
