I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
