I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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