if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
