Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize