I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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