he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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