You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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