He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
