the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
sarcasm needs its own font
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
