sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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