The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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