Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
