you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
