I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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