I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
