Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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