he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize