the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
