I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just found puke in my bra..
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
