I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
