Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
