dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
