I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
