I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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