Someone shit on the floor
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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