actually, I'm a sock model
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
