FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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