I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
