She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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