I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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