I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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