I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
