Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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