It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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