Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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