My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I lost the right to judge tonight
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
