I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
