Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He has the fingertips of a God
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
