One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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