1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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