He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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