Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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