I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize