If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
